Anxiety and Post Partum Depression

Up until today, while watching my sister muscle through pain, sleep deprivation, and a newborn that is hard to nurse, I remembered what it was like during the newborn stage. Just from seeing her almost defeated look of frustration and still determination, it all came flooding back to me. I realize, looking back, that I dealt with some ppd after my first child. A lot of it I blamed on the birth control. I didn't know any better. I now realize it for what it was. After my second child, it was 10x worse. I couldn't hear a baby cry, no matter who it belonged too, without feeling like it was up to me to meet its needs. I was having worse than normal memory loss, and trouble focusing. I didn't have uncontrollable crying, or the other symptoms you associate with depression, like sleeping all the time, being withdrawn, but I had more subtle symptoms. I waited six months before going to my OBGYN and getting checked out. I truly wish I would have gone sooner, but you live and learn. I realized today that a lot of that anxiety still lingers. I've been a nervous wreck all day. I want to take that frustration away from my sister. I want to be able to shoulder some of that burden for her. I also want to run far away and never experience those things again. In that moment, when everything was happening at once, I decided that more children will not be a decision I will be making any time soon, if ever again. I'm not sure I could survive all of that for a third time. You hear people say, you'll never regret having children, but you will regret not having them. What if I do? What if I get twenty or thirty years down the road and wish I would have had one more? What if I miss my chance to experience that with my love? What if we never have that bond that's created by meshing our dna together to give life to something precious? Will I still be ok? Or will I have regrets? This has consumed my thoughts today. Tomorrow is a new day, full of fresh new challenges. I will put this away for now, but I'm sure it will come up again.

Twins!

My amazing super hero sister carried her twins to 36 weeks 2 days and her water broke this morning. Maddox and Marley were welcomed into the world just after 3:30 am. I am so proud of her, and enamored with the babies. There are a lot of life moments where you need to soak in the smallest things, and today just helps to remind me of that.

Changes

This year is all about changes for me and my family. I am in a transitional period and trying to move forward with having the life I envision for myself and my girls. I hope to be taking a major step this week. We have found a place to call home temporarily while we build our credit to be able to buy. I am excited! I can't wait to have my own place again.

Let's Talk About Me

My name is Nicole, but some of the best people on the internet call me Spdy or Spidey, and some of the best roller derby girls call me Rollerazzi. I am a divorced mother of two beautiful daughters. I work for a retail pharmacy as a pharmacy technician. I have the best darn boyfriend a girl could ask for. I absolutely love my kia soul. I have two dogs, a long haired chihuahua mixed with spitz named Edison, and a miniature schnauzer named Archibald (Archie), and I am the proud owner of a holland lop house bunny named Floppsy. My hobbies are knitting and photography. I am currently trying to find a home to rent that allows pets, which is a complete and utter disaster where I live. I understand that lots of people are just jerks, and that causes landlords to be more cautious with their property, but it makes it hard on people like me who actually give a shit about other people's things. I just want to find a nice place to live with my family and pets, and not have to sacrifice my soul for it! Is that too much to ask?

Welcome

I am a horrible blogger. Sometimes I just feel the need to write, well type. I feel like I am constantly in a struggle with life. Like I'm walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I've developed permanent neck strain from bracing for impact.