Organized Religion

For the longest time, over half my life, I was happily a part of the southern baptist church. My parents went there, and their parents, and probably their parents but I don't really remember. Then I went through my biggest transitional period. Divorce. I realized that I had spent my entire life up to that point living up to everyone else's expectations, but never really knowing what I expected of myself. If you want to see what you really mean to the people who have been your family for most of your life, get a divorce that no one really understands but you. Not only did I lose faith in my church, but I lost a good many people in the mix as well. My biggest problem, and main reason for not wanting to continue to be a part of this "church" that I had devoted so much time and energy to? The way they ever so slightly edged me out. Not only did they not understand, they didn't even try. No one wanted to hear my part of things. Divorce is never the answer. You have to try to work it out. As if I hadn't been doing that silently for years. What about your children? What will this do to them? As if I didn't think of them. Why continue to go somewhere that you don't fit in? I had been at this church for 21 years, and then a brief period at another church, and then back. I knew most of these people my entire life, and now I feel like an outsider. Someone they passed on the street without a second glance. It had become some sort of specialty club, and if you didn't fit in the box they created, you were just cast to the side. So, as I sit at home tonight, on a Wednesday, when I would have normally been at Bible study, it hits me. I don't fit into their mold. I have no desire to sit with a group of (now) strangers and have them secretly judge me for my faults. I don't want to hear about fire and brimstone. That's not what I need. I know my faults. Do you? As you sit there talking about the Bible and praying for people's troubles. Do you feel a sense of superiority because your God would never let you get to where they are? Where I am? A fallen woman. Someone who chooses to be nice to people, not because a book tells me to, but because its the right thing to do. Someone who shows love to all people, because I know what it's like to be unloved and feel unlovable. Someone who tries desperately not to judge you by the chapter of your life I walked in on, because I have been judged. Remember the parts of the Bible where it says you're supposed to love all people? Judge not? Where Jesus fed the masses, no matter their religious affiliation, or lack of? Where the widows and orphans were cared for? Did he not make sure his own mother was cared for, even while he was dying? Where is this church? The church that is striving to make the world a better place? Not because God will judge you if you don't, but because you know in your heart that its the right thing? Oh, wait, that's not a church at all. That's my friends who have been in the dark places, or judged harshly by "christians", or treated terribly for who they choose to love, or the amount of melanin in their skin. Those people are my people. It would be a disservice to call them a church. I don't want my children to act right because they fear retribution. I want them to act right because they know its the right thing to do. Because they want to contribute to the world and make it better. Be the solution. Don't do it because big brother tells you to. Be a decent human, for humanity's sake.

Anxiety and Post Partum Depression

Up until today, while watching my sister muscle through pain, sleep deprivation, and a newborn that is hard to nurse, I remembered what it was like during the newborn stage. Just from seeing her almost defeated look of frustration and still determination, it all came flooding back to me. I realize, looking back, that I dealt with some ppd after my first child. A lot of it I blamed on the birth control. I didn't know any better. I now realize it for what it was. After my second child, it was 10x worse. I couldn't hear a baby cry, no matter who it belonged too, without feeling like it was up to me to meet its needs. I was having worse than normal memory loss, and trouble focusing. I didn't have uncontrollable crying, or the other symptoms you associate with depression, like sleeping all the time, being withdrawn, but I had more subtle symptoms. I waited six months before going to my OBGYN and getting checked out. I truly wish I would have gone sooner, but you live and learn. I realized today that a lot of that anxiety still lingers. I've been a nervous wreck all day. I want to take that frustration away from my sister. I want to be able to shoulder some of that burden for her. I also want to run far away and never experience those things again. In that moment, when everything was happening at once, I decided that more children will not be a decision I will be making any time soon, if ever again. I'm not sure I could survive all of that for a third time. You hear people say, you'll never regret having children, but you will regret not having them. What if I do? What if I get twenty or thirty years down the road and wish I would have had one more? What if I miss my chance to experience that with my love? What if we never have that bond that's created by meshing our dna together to give life to something precious? Will I still be ok? Or will I have regrets? This has consumed my thoughts today. Tomorrow is a new day, full of fresh new challenges. I will put this away for now, but I'm sure it will come up again.

Twins!

My amazing super hero sister carried her twins to 36 weeks 2 days and her water broke this morning. Maddox and Marley were welcomed into the world just after 3:30 am. I am so proud of her, and enamored with the babies. There are a lot of life moments where you need to soak in the smallest things, and today just helps to remind me of that.

Changes

This year is all about changes for me and my family. I am in a transitional period and trying to move forward with having the life I envision for myself and my girls. I hope to be taking a major step this week. We have found a place to call home temporarily while we build our credit to be able to buy. I am excited! I can't wait to have my own place again.

Let's Talk About Me

My name is Nicole, but some of the best people on the internet call me Spdy or Spidey, and some of the best roller derby girls call me Rollerazzi. I am a divorced mother of two beautiful daughters. I work for a retail pharmacy as a pharmacy technician. I have the best darn boyfriend a girl could ask for. I absolutely love my kia soul. I have two dogs, a long haired chihuahua mixed with spitz named Edison, and a miniature schnauzer named Archibald (Archie), and I am the proud owner of a holland lop house bunny named Floppsy. My hobbies are knitting and photography. I am currently trying to find a home to rent that allows pets, which is a complete and utter disaster where I live. I understand that lots of people are just jerks, and that causes landlords to be more cautious with their property, but it makes it hard on people like me who actually give a shit about other people's things. I just want to find a nice place to live with my family and pets, and not have to sacrifice my soul for it! Is that too much to ask?

Welcome

I am a horrible blogger. Sometimes I just feel the need to write, well type. I feel like I am constantly in a struggle with life. Like I'm walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I've developed permanent neck strain from bracing for impact.